I do not know what happens when we die. The lights may simply go out, and we sleep dreamlessly forever. Or we may dream, and as our bodies decompose our dreams may more and more resemble the dreams of the land, until ours and theirs are all the same…- Derrick Jensen
I miss my friend a lot. It is now over a year ago that he passed away. I would argue by suicide. Perhaps he did not consciously plan it that afternoon after we had just spoken, I was sitting at the pizza place near my new apartment that he had helped me move into that same day. I do believe it was suicide because I know he often spoke about being in states, due to his mental health, of feeling like he was dying and he enjoyed the ”kick” it gave him. I know because we talked about it. He told me. Might sound disgusting but it was highly interesting.
At the same time, he was conflicted about these thoughts. He talked about how one shouldn’t really have to think along those lines and feel so good during such thoughts. I agreed with him one should not, but I also know it is easy to do and I can relate and understand why he did, as much as I can relate to it among so many others as well in today’s industrial maddening human society.
He was so far from alone on feeling like a misanthrope in this society. Of not fitting in, and not wanting to fit in either. He was someone who dearly enjoyed deep discussions upon the issues we face as part of the human species. The problems of civilization (industrial civilization). On Astronomy. His fascination for Queen (yes, the band) and what I brought to our collective music table the insane punk rocker, and now dead, GG Allin, and he had a deep fascination of the beliefs and perceptions of reality of other human cultures than our own.
He was the one that was hooked on quotes such as ”It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society”.
When we hung out we usually discussed all the things above but also at times, usually when we were drinking together, we talked about things that perhaps one doesn’t just bring up to anyone. Like porn addiction, jealousy, self-hatred, among other things, and we talked about death. How death is a very natural part of life. No one lives forever. No one. That goes for civilization as well. I miss all these discussions, you were such a good friend.
It is a lonely place to be when one doesn’t feel at home in one’s surroundings and isn’t able to do much about it. Thoughts on death and the feelings of relief when these thoughts come can be of great help to get through yet another experience of negativity. However, I think everyone should all embrace death, even if they are not necessarily suffering from severe depression or other forms of burdens that might draw one’s attention to it. Death is part of life. It is as natural as being born. We are born, we live, and we die. That is fundamental and we should not fear it. Every solar year we live through the cycle of birth, life and ultimately death. It happens all around us all the time. In seasonal climates, such as where I live myself, first comes spring which is the birth. The sheer beauty of spring and how what we perceive as life slowly returns is so awesome, the chatter of birds returning to the land. Then late spring and early summer, life is growing. The world around us turns green it turns into beautiful scents, it turns into warm evenings and nights and then late summer and early autumn starts. The end of a cycle starts. Beautiful colors, that awesome smell of decaying leafs that have fallen to the ground and the decomposition of those who have died to have their children rise up next cycle. It is not scary. It is beauty.
All stages of a life cycle have their beauty, even death if you ask me. I wonder if my friend is in a stage of a dreamless sleep or if he is on his way to becoming one with the land. I will not know until it is my turn to leave this material reality. But I do hope we will meet again. I miss you friend.
Into sunrise it will end
Under the starlight we will sleep eternally
Hearing the whispers from the sea
And now when the new day takes the pain
We are free there is no more to tell – Reverend Bizarre